PoW: Nov 18-25

Pow: Nov 11-18

Amazing the difference just one week can make

3 years later

The day I received my endowment, I cried on my drive to the temple. I'd have been content if they were tears of joy or even tears of nervousness, but I felt guilty seeing as how they were neither of those things. I'd gotten bleary-eyed in the shower earlier that morning. Then again right after I'd finished my eye makeup (of course!). They were tears of sadness and I felt guilty for allowing them to well up in my eyes. You're supposed to be excited on a day like this, right? Eager to take that next step. Don't get me wrong -- I felt ready. It was 100% my decision to receive my endowment. I'd put a lot of thought and prayer into my decision, attended each week of my temple prep class, and had my chats with the bishop and stake president. I was prepared and knew it was the right time for me.

Yet here I was, driving to the Oquirrh Mountain temple on that clear, cold November 14th morning with tears in my eyes. And the reason why weighed my heart down. I cried because I was driving myself to the temple. Sure, my family would have gladly picked me up along their way if I'd asked, but that wasn't the point. In my mind, a woman receiving her endowment was synonymous with her fast approaching wedding day. That's just the way it's done, right? It had been the way I'd seen most everyone in my life do it. And I was discouraged that I wasn't following suit. I had a life plan and that plan wasn't being realized as I had hoped. I should be driving to the temple in the company of my handsome soon-to-husband, starry-eyed and so twitterpated that I could burst. But instead I was alone, my cold hands fumbling to put my favorite Paul Cardall song on repeat as a meager attempt to calm my heart. Not quite the shiny scenario I had envisioned in my previous years.

A large part of me felt that by taking this step I was giving up on ever getting married. That I was surrendering myself to a life of first dates and making dinner for one (though more if you counted the alarming number of cats I was sure to collect). An endless state of adolescence. And I didn't want that. Ever. But in my mind I was taking one giant leap closer to becoming that woman. And yet. No one was forcing me to take this step. So why?

The quote goes "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." Now while I'd hardly call going to the temple a matter of darkness, making the decision to do this on my own was most certainly me moving toward that terrifying and looming edge of darkness. The unknown. It petrified me. But I had asked and Heavenly Father had confirmed to me that it was time to take this next step. I wanted to learn more about my religion and to increase in understanding. I wanted a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father more than I was scared of becoming the neighborhood cat lady. And so I cautiously crept toward and tip toed into that darkness.

I wish I could tell you that the next part of the story involved me serendipitously bumping into Mr. Right on my way to the endowment room and they lived happily ever after. How's that for a reward, huh?? That'd make for a very tight-knit sacrament talk on faith where everything falls right into place. But it didn't. I believe those tight-knit stories are the exception and most certainly not the norm (Though many begin to think otherwise and then feel inadequate when comparing their loose ends to the seemingly tidy package others appear to have ... but that's a different post!). I'm learning that rewards come from our Heavenly Father in all different shapes and sizes. I didn't find Mr. Right that day at the temple or the day after. Or even yet. But the blessings I've received from taking that step into the darkness are irreplaceable. I've been softened by the temple's peace in the midst of my confusions, have grown more confident in my testimony, and am continually better understanding the bare-bones WHY of the Gospel for my own life. I better understand my Heavenly Father's nature and just how much He really does love me. I'm now so grateful I had the opportunity to receive my endowment separate from such a life altering event as marriage. I recognize the distinct separation of the two ordinances and now, given the choice, would absolutely do it the same way all over again. I understand that this isn't everyone's path. But I'm very grateful it was mine.

Looking back I'm proud of myself for following the confirmation I'd been given, even though it wasn't my ideal. At one point I called it bittersweet. But now I can say that it's been upgraded to just sweet. That edge of the light often seems to be looming closeby these days, but I'm fairly confident that'll be case whether I'm single, married, healthy, sick, stressed, carefree, etc. And while the inherent planner in me still often resists approaching that dark unknown, I'm becoming more confident in my ability to trust in things I can't yet see.

I'm still not certain where Mr. Right is. Amid a sea of young (and not so young) single adults in Salt Lake, it's sometimes flabbergasting to think that it hasn't happened yet. I do worry. I worry that I'll become an awkward dater. I worry I'll be that oldish woman desperately trying to dress like she's 22 (you know the kind). I worry I'll be tempted to buy a few seasons of Golden Girls just to take notes on how they made it work. I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to write my first name with a different last name or to read bedtime stories with my kids. But until those dreams are realized, I'll just try to recall the time when I thought I knew the plan my life was supposed to follow, yet Heavenly Father had something much better in mind.

Friendsgiving

Thanksgiving came early! Well, for our friends it did. Last year we celebrated at Sizzler (stop looking at me like that) and this year we wanted something a little more personal. So we planned a sit down family style dinner.

This was our first attempt at cooking a turkey and though there were a few mishaps I think it went well. We named her Gina and she was a total rockstar. Cleaning out Gina certainly wasn't my favorite thing in the world - especially when you have no clue what you're doing. But fun people make everything better so it turned out to be one of the most entertaining parts of the night. We made a few frantic phone calls to our mothers, a few desperate Google searches, and went a little rouge from the instructions. But we did it!

Displaying a cooked Gina with our best Vanna White skills:

Great minds think (and shop) alike

And what would Thanksgiving dinner be without a pie eating contest? It started off as a joke and next thing I know I'm being handed a napkin bib and staring at a piece of chocolate cream pie while considering my strategy. That escalated quickly.

Anna won! Impressive. I lost! Surprise surprise. I'm not certain why I even participated considering I've never been known for my speedy eating skills. Shanna does a great impression of me eating fries, but I'll save that for another day. Or never because sometimes the truth hurts.

I have a lot to be grateful for this year, and these people are a large part of that. Happy Early Thanksgiving!

PoW: Nov 4-11

Life can really be a kick in the pants sometimes. But great weekends like this last one certainly take the edge off!

PoW: Oct 28-Nov 4

Red & Blue

Chocolate cake, please

October: Always a great month. Vibrant leaves, awkwardly awesome Halloween costumes, enough sugar to demand a root canal. And BOOTS. Let's not forget the return of wonderful boots.

Though I most definitely earn the "creature of habit" title, October is a good reminder to me that change and transition can actually be pretty beautiful. Especially when it looks like towering white aspens with bright yellow leaves. Yet even staring at that beautiful aspen, I often find myself wishing for change sparingly and autumn continually. I'll take my cake and eat it too, thankyouverymuch.

October in a nutshell that looks like a grid that easily could have been six times the size. Because that's how epic autumn can really be. And how much I love photos ... duh :)